WOMB
red clover, Motrin IB, red leather choker, couple dollar bills
Journey
I suffered from fibroids for years, many times bleeding so much that I either was taken to the hospital, or should have been. I remember my friend and roommate driving me to the hospital while I went in and out of consciousness, truly not thinking I would make it. This poem came a few years later as a reassurance, by those who stand before, after and on both sides, that I was seen and not forgotten in my distress. In fact, it started a process I am still in of seeing and loving myself.
In the same season that I received this poem, I took psylocibin, "the flesh of the gods," in ceremony with a friend of mine. My experience was very body-based. I would feel the spirit of the plant move through different parts of my body and then relay a message to me based off of what it found there. When it went to my womb, the message it came back with was "It is good for you to be selfish," to which I replied, "I don't know how to." "Yes you do," it said. And in response I felt relief. Relief!
Deep down I knew that my health issues were tied to pent up stress, anger, and sorrow from sacrificing myself in ways that I'd been taught (explicitly or implicitly) were a necessary part of being a black woman in the time and place I was born. I'd practiced stretching myself thin, even for good cause, and accepting nothing in return, denying my needs and wants so thoroughly that I was not aware of their existence. This felt so ingrained that it felt inevitable.
I needed help to understand how I was created to live and move, even if it went against how I had been taught and who I previously perceived myself to be. Thank you Mother Jaguar who led us in ceremony and served us this medicine. Thank you to the spirit of that plant - the flesh of the gods. Thank you to those guiding me from beyond who sent this message my way on a separate occasion.
I am still letting it work its way into the world through me - I am not the sacrifice. I am holy ground.
Invitation
Breathe.
Look or listen.
Feel what you feel and pay attention to it.
Wait.
What does the Spirit say to you about who you are?
